


Innocence

by Harmony283



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: (Again not actually shown in story), AU, Fluff, Genderfluid!Lavi, Implied Lavi/Others, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, NOT SHOWN IN THE STORY ITSELF, Porn With Plot, SO MUCH FLUFF, Sexual Content, Technically this is a scene from an RP, and talking, of a minor, that hasn't been written yet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-13 01:45:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4503036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harmony283/pseuds/Harmony283
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lavi could still remember when Kanda let him borrow his sweater. Lavi still had it, lovingly tossed into a pile of his own things in his clothes-basket to be washed with his detergent.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Innocence

**Author's Note:**

> Finally posting this here (originally it was posted on my tumblr)! As it says in the tags, this was originally a scene from an (as of right now) unwritten RP, so a lot of background information is implied. It can still be read as a stand-alone piece (though if you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them!) 
> 
> This is also my first time posting here in.....ages. Better late than never, I guess?

Lavi hesitated for only half a second before grinning widely and snuggling into Kanda’s backside. “Oh c'mon, Yuu.” He murmured into Kanda’s…shoulder? Yeah. Shoulder. “S'not gonna be _that_ bad!”

Kanda grunted out some sort of confirmation (of annoyance?) and swatted at Lavi’s hand.

“Nooooo~” Lavi laughed, inhaling the scent of –well. “Did ya change your detergent?”

Kanda grumbled a short. “No.”

“Then are ya wearin’ cologne?” Lavi sniffed harder. It smelled–nice. Like sandalwood mixed with ocean. “It smells good.”

Kanda went suspiciously still in his arms. _Hmm_? Lavi propped himself up to peer over Kanda’s shoulder. “…Neh? Yuu? _Is_ it cologne?”

Was his face red? Another laugh threatened to burst forth, but Lavi stifled it. Something told him that Kanda wouldn’t appreciate _that_. Not now, anyway.

“Yuuuuuu.” He drawled out instead, poking him in the shoulder repeatedly until Kanda turned fully onto his back. “Did ya wear it for me?”

“No.”

“No need to lie, Yuu.” Lavi leaned down and rubbed their noses together, before stealing a kiss. Then two. Then three. Minty fresh. Kanda had just brushed his teeth. They ran out of cinnamon toothpaste, not that Kanda would’ve used it _anyway_ but _still_. That meant that Kanda had brought toothpaste over. Which meant he probably planned on staying the night. _Score_.

“You…” Kanda started when they pulled away, only to fall silent again with a huff. “Nevermind.”

“Mm?” Lavi half shifted so that he was lying on Kanda’s front. “Yesss? Yuu, use your words. We practiced this, yeah?”

Kanda fidgeted uncomfortably for a moment.

Lavi kept staring at him.

“It’s too warm.”

“Oh!” Lavi shuffled to roll off Kanda, only for him to grab his arms. “Wha–?”

“I didn’t mean….move.” Was his face red again? _Redder_? Lavi stilled and watched him. “…I meant…” He trailed off, sighing even louder.

“You meant–?”

Kanda looked constipated for a few short seconds before abruptly sitting up, shoving Lavi back in the process and then—

_Kissing_ him?

Lavi’s eyes widened briefly before he shut them easily, easily. This was familiar. A bit new, but sometimes Kanda initiated the kisses. It always made something float uncomfortably close to the surface of his –what? Mind? A little voice that said he shouldn’t _really_ be doing this, that in the end all he was doing was _leading_ _Kanda_ _on_ and did he _really_ deserve that? No one did, not really. Not in the end.

Except for the fact that an even stronger urge would surface right after that thought and drown it, replacing it with “LOVE” in capital letters pressing—pressing—

Lavi let out a loud groan when suddenly he was forced down onto the mattress. _Oh_? He blinked up at Kanda who was now straddling his waist, panting.

_Well_ _then_ . “What brought _this_ on, Yuu?” Not that he was complaining but it warranted _asking_.

Kanda frowned, and opened his mouth before shutting it again and leaning down, this time kissing his cheek, then –

Biting his ear.

Lavi grunted in response. “Hey, hey—Yuu—”

_Oh_ .

“Shut up.” Kanda muttered into the side of Lavi’s neck before biting _that_ too. “Just…shut up.”

Except Lavi couldn’t, because usually biting led to _other_ things and, yeah, sure, Lavi enjoyed it—but he could count the times it went well on one hand and the time it went _badly_ on all his fingers and toes (if it ever even got that far to begin with). He _needed_ to stop Kanda, ask him if everything was okay, if he was _really_ sure—

“Yuu.” He murmured again, reaching up and touching one of Kanda’s shoulders. That action alone seemed to make Kanda freeze, as if he realized exactly _what_ he was doing.

Maybe.

With Kanda it was hard to tell sometimes.

Lavi let out a sigh. “Not that I _wanna_ stop you,” First and foremost Kanda had to know that what he was doing wasn’t _bad_. That Lavi _did_ want to continue, but _also_ that talking was important. “But is—it okay?”

Not _are you sure_ because that had gotten him smacked quite a few times and ended up causing two or three of those 20 times.

Kanda was silent for a good few minutes before finally lifting his head and staring down at Lavi. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

Oh, God, _denial_. Not exactly what Lavi wanted to work with right now, but—“I mean,” Lavi tried again, “What…brought this on?” Because really _that_ was the root of the question, wasn’t it? The first step in the long line of questions before Lavi could _let_ this continue. Because if he didn’t stop it, and Kanda didn’t stop it, then –

It made his heart and head hurt just to think about it.

Kanda chewed over that question for a moment before answering. “I want to.” Vague, but closer. “It’s…” He hesitated, shaking his head before shifting to slide back a little, letting Lavi sit up, if he wanted. But he didn’t, because that would be kind of awkward. “You always…”

“I always…?” Lavi prodded, lifting a hand and stroking along Kanda’s arm in a way he hoped was comforting, even if he doubted Kanda even noticed with the way his eyes seemed to focus on him. At least they _were_ focused (small miracles, right?).

“You always do it.” Kanda finally spat out, shaking his head firmly, his face still red, but not as much anymore. “I wanted to. To see if you’d…” Then, quieter, “like it.”

_Ah_ .

Lavi smiled reassuringly. “Of course I like it. Ya just surprised me s’all. S’not bad.” Kanda relaxed a little more and leaned back down. Lavi lifted his head a little and met him for a kiss. Then two, then three. “So it really is cologne?” Lavi asked when they parted. “Just for me?”

Kanda pinched his side (not hard) but that just made Lavi laugh. “Shut up.”

“Nah,” Lavi grinned, pecking Kanda on the nose. “I like it. So.” He slid his hands to grab at Kanda’s waist this time. “More…?” He punctuated the question with a slight head tilt, exposing his ear again. It didn’t take long for Kanda to lean back down again and bite—Lavi hissed at the sensation and smiled. “Y’know, if you want to—”

“Mm?” Kanda shifted his head down, trailing bites and kisses down until he reached his neck, where he bit just a little harder.

Lavi shivered and gasped. Okay—okay. Thinking was going to be a lot harder than he thought. Well. Among other things being, ahem, _hard_.

Kanda shuffled down lower, working a leg between Lavi’s and—seriously? “Yuu, Yuu—” _Well shit_. Maybe the one who needed to give the okay was _him_. Especially since—he had to keep a clear head, right?

Kanda lifted his head and raised an eyebrow at him. “What? I thought you said—”

“Don’t stop! I just, uh,” Lavi shivered again when Kanda nipped at the exposed skin of his throat. His scarf was hanging off a chair in the living room, having been discarded the minute he walked in from outside. “Err, how far are we–?”

Kanda paused for a moment, as if considering that, before pulling away entirely to stare down at Lavi again. “I want…” He started, before shaking his head, “I don’t…know.” The words held a sort of weight to them that had Lavi’s blood run both warm and cold, but Kanda’s eyes were still clear, thankfully, and Lavi knew without a shred of doubt that he was looking at _him_ and only him. Despite everything (and by everything, Lavi meant the tiny corners of Kanda’s past that Lavi refused to illuminate even under strict orders) Kanda was still _here_ with him in the present.

Thinking about _this_ seriously—what he wanted, here, in bed, between them.

Lavi waited, silently watching the confusion slowly lifting off Kanda’s features to be replaced with a startling kind of clarity.

His eyes really were beautiful when he was so focused.

Maybe it should have been overwhelming, but Lavi had his own share of experiences, places and people and _times_ that prepared him for _this_ in such a way that he could—“Yuu.” He trailed off, uncertainly, but Kanda didn’t stop him from talking, in fact he nodded his head at him to continue. “Did you uhm, maybe, want…err, less clothes?” He slid his hands up under Kanda’s shirt to prove his point. “Or is that…?”

“That’s fine.” The answer was quick, maybe a little too quick, but Kanda was reaching down and lifting the hem of his shirt over his head to expose his chest—and the tattoo there. The tattoo Lavi never _really_ asked about, but knew enough. It was filed under _things to never ask unless he tells you_ i.e probably never ever, ever.

But Lavi couldn’t think about that now, not with Kanda’s hands working under his shirt and really Lavi barely had enough time to think of _anything at all_ after that, before he was lifting his arms as well and allowing Kanda to pull the shirt up over his head. Those hands, a bit icy with thinner fingers than his, were suddenly traveling over touch-warmed skin. The experience alone wouldn’t’ve had Lavi in shivers, but the fact that it was _Kanda_ doing it, and not just some faceless figure that he had to get information out of.

_Hah_ of course it would matter more.

It was only Kanda’s hands sliding down to the waistband of his jeans that had Lavi snapping back to the present. _Right_ , right he couldn’t be the one losing himself in this. Even if it was _Kanda_ doing this _to_ him, he _still_ had to be aware, because if he wasn’t then who would know when something went _wrong_ before it was too late?

“Yuu,” He grabbed one of his hands and squeezed it, moving it back up before pressing it to his chest directly over his heart. “Y’don’t have to—”

“But I _want_ to.” There was something in Kanda’s voice that gave Lavi a pause. Something, along with the way his free hand still fiddled with his belt hoops. “Unless…” The hand against his chest twitched, “…Do you…not…?”

_Oh_ .

“I do.” Lavi hurriedly agreed. “I do, I do, Yuu. I _do_ , I just…we’re going, uhm, kinda…fast?”

“You were the one who asked. About the clothes.”

_True_ .

Lavi chuckled. “I know, m’sorry. I just…” _Worry_.

“Well don’t.” Kanda easily jerked his hand out of his grip and slid it back down to join his other hand. Lavi waited for a few seconds as Kanda fiddled with the hem before moving to the belt buckle there. He made quick work of that before moving to the button and zipper itself. “You _are_ wearing underwear, right?”

Lavi burst out laughing. “ _Yes_ , Yuu, I’m wearing undies. Boxer briefs if ya wanna be specific.” Meaning they probably wouldn’t hide _much_ once the pants came off, but at least it wouldn’t be a Lavi-jr. surprise! He kinda doubted Kanda would handle _that_ well, even if he was the one so adamantly de-clothing him.

“Good.” Kanda hesitated for only a few more seconds before unzipping his pants fully and tugging at them. Lavi lifted his hips easily and helped Kanda tug them the rest of the way down—

By which, he meant doing the awkward tight pants dance.

“Why…are they…so tight?” Kanda sounded irritated, but also breathless.

Lavi snorted, “Sorry, sorry.” He managed to get them down to his knees before flailing his legs madly (nearly dislodging Kanda in the process) to get them the rest of the way off. “Y’gotta admit they make my legs look _fantastic_ though, neh?”

Kanda rolled his eyes before dropping his hands to Lavi’s unclothed thighs, rubbing the skin before raising an eyebrow and—“…You shaved.” He only sounded a little surprised.

Lavi shifted a little and shrugged. “I like smooth legs.” He hated that for a moment it sounded like he was _defending_ himself. “I didn’t do it for Yuu.” A pause, “I mean, I didn’t know we were gonna, well,” He motioned to the lack of distance between them. And the lack of clothes (at least, on his part. Kanda still had his pants on).

Kanda looked at him for a second longer before leaning down and kissing the smooth skin. First on his left leg, then on his right.

Lavi didn’t need to be told his face was turning red—he could _feel_ it. “Y-Yuu?”

“I don’t care.” Kanda murmured against his right leg, pressing another kiss to it, this time on the inside of his thigh. “…About you shaving, I mean. So what?”

Lavi let out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. “O-Okay.” He shivered when Kanda shifted back up and, this time, pressed a kiss directly over his crotch. _Okay_ indeed. Maybe. Kanda looked up at him and Lavi bit his lip, waiting, watching, for any sign that he’d need to put a stop to this. But really? Was he playing as close attention as he possibly could? No. Not with his heart beating in his throat, not with the way Kanda was _looking_ at him, still clear, still focused, still with just _him_ in mind.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

If he’d stop being so _jumpy_. A simple kiss _really_ shouldn’t have taken him so off guard. Really. _Really_ , _really_. But somehow, when Kanda sat back up and pressed a kiss to his mouth (the corner, then fully on the lips), Lavi couldn’t help but whine.

Kanda was good at kissing. Kissing was safe; kissing was something they could do now, normally, no bad memories attached. But kissing was also, sometimes, like this. It was these kinds of breathless kisses that Lavi usually had to put a stop to, because sometimes they said a lot more than touching did. A lot, lot, _lot_ more, and he could never quite bring himself to push those kinds of boundaries.

It didn’t seem like Kanda cared very much about boundaries right now, not when his tongue slipped in (forcefully, _wet_ ) between his lips to find his own. Lavi bit back another moan and slid his eyes shut. _Well_ maybe –maybe letting go would be okay for a little bit?

_But what if–_

“Stop _thinking_ , dammit.” Kanda hissed when he pulled away for air. “You’re thinking too damn much. If I…if anything,” He faltered for a moment and Lavi cracked his one eye open to watch his expression (it shifted from confused, to annoyed, back to confused, then some combination of confused and—fond? All in the span of seconds. Whoever said Kanda was emotionless never really took the time to read him very well at all). “If anything happens,” Kanda forced himself to continue, “I’ll…you’ll know.” _I’ll stop_ went unsaid, because they both knew what happened and ‘stopped’ was…putting it lightly.

“Yuu…” Lavi frowned at how breathless he sounded, but at the same time it made him _happy_ or, at least, _happier_. “I know.”

“Then stop thinking.”

“I can’t just—”

“Turn it off?” Kanda sat back and ran a hand through his hair, “Fuck, I know. But can you just…” His hands were shaking. Lavi reached out and grabbed onto the nearest one, squeezing it. It was enough for Kanda to continue. “can you just try?”

“Try, yeah.” They were both pretty much trying, weren’t they? Albeit in very different ways. Lavi grinned sheepishly. “Sorry, sorry, I know this is, ah,” Not bedroom conversation. _I know this is hard for Yuu, too, I know, I know, I know a lot of things about you and what makes you tick and I love you, but sometimes—_

_Sometimes things get in the way._

Lavi squeezed his eyes shut and sighed. “How. How far do you want to–?”

Kanda tensed above him and for a second Lavi thought he ruined it. Ruined whatever confidence Kanda had built up over the course of the day, hidden just underneath his skin. But then, just as suddenly, the tension was gone. “Where’s …do you have any –?” Lavi peeked at Kanda again and grinned. His face was turning redder by the second.

“Lube?” Kanda fidgeted but nodded his head. _Oh good_. Lavi allowed himself to smile. “S’in the drawer.” He waved to the bedside table. “Bottom one, behind the—” Kanda was already pilfering through the drawer, pulling out two large books and staring at them briefly before placing them on the ground, to find the lube. Once acquired he dropped it on the bed beside him and –froze. Again. “Are you—”

“Do you want to do this?”

Lavi gawked at Kanda for a moment. He hadn’t been expecting _that_. Hell, he’d been more expecting Kanda to ask him _how_ to do it, not—not—“O’course I do.”

Kanda stared at him for a little longer. “Are you…sure.” It wasn’t a question and –suddenly, suddenly, Lavi knew _why_. Images of him limping home and finding Kanda waiting for him flashed through his mind. The way he immediately dragged him towards the tub, didn’t look as he stripped, but still helped bathe him and– _oh_. Kanda knew it…hurt. Of course he fucking _knew it hurt_! Why wouldn’t it hurt? Why wouldn’t he ask? Lavi let out a dry chuckle.

“I’m fine, Yuu. It’s fine. I want to.” He squeezed Kanda’s hand reassuringly. “S’you, for one, n’I know you’d never hurt me.” _At least not on purpose_. But saying that now wouldn’t do anyone any good, especially Kanda. “Assumin’ we’re on the same page, which…” He trailed off, eyeing the lube, then Kanda’s hands. His fingers were long. That would actually probably feel _really good_. Lavi shivered just thinking about it before continuing, “—it looks like we are, ah, are we, Yuu?” Because he _had_ to ask, just to be sure.

Kanda nodded his head jerkily. He was staring at the lube as well, pensive, like he wasn’t quite _sure_ how to—

And of course _why_ would he know? Having it done _to_ you, especially in a way that was really, really, really fucking bad did in no way constitute as actual _experience_. Lavi wasn’t gonna count it. No way. No way in hell six ways to Sunday curse his name a thousand times on Akuma and Innocence combined ( _hah_ now wasn’t _that_ a hilarious thought?) “I can show you, uh, if you uhm, want.”

Kanda’s eyes snapped up to focus on him for a second before slowly, slowly, he –shook his head. “Not yet. I want to…” He snapped his mouth shut and glanced down.

“…Take your clothes off first?” Lavi motioned to his still half clothed state. “I mean s’only fair, ya got me in my boxers real quick but…” He wanted it to be joking, kind of desperately hoped it was and nearly cried in relief when Kanda snorted and shifted to the side of the bed. Just like he’d done with Lavi, he stripped off his pants with very little finesse. _Also_ like Lavi, he was wearing black boxer briefs. Unlike Lavi, though, those didn’t last very long.

And suddenly Kanda was naked.

_Oh_ .

Lavi didn’t know where to look.

Because Kanda was—and this was—the first time that he’d seen him _naked_ completely and totally 110% because of him, and not because of an accident or an injury or—or anything _else_.

“You can look.”

Lavi snapped his eyes back up when he felt the mattress dip and –oh. Oh.

_Naked Kanda, naked Kanda, naked Kanda–_

Kanda wasn’t just sitting on Lavi’s lap again, he was half propping himself up _over_ him.

Lavi was going to pass out from all the blood suddenly running south.

And also because Kanda? _Kanda was fucking smirking_. Or half smirking. A half-smirk, half-smile thing that Lavi had only seen a few times when Kanda chose to –to—be _flirty_ or teasing or –

“…Rabbit got your tongue?”

Lavi nodded his head dumbly, trying his best to keep his eyes just on Kanda’s face.

Oh, he was failing. But Kanda didn’t seem to mind. Much. “S-Sorry…” Lavi squeezed his eyes shut again. “Lot to…take in…at once.” He didn’t open his eyes even when Kanda cupped the side of his face and ran a thumb underneath his visible eye.

“You can look.” He repeated, softer this time. “It’s…okay.”

“Do you _want_ me to?” Stupid question. Kanda snorted.

“I wouldn’t be naked if I didn’t want you to.” He agreed, and slowly, slowly Lavi cracked his eye open. Kanda really was pale everywhere. Pale and flawless but at the same time so very human. He was shivering.

Lavi frowned and tugged Kanda closer, rubbing his hands first on his arms, then on his bare back. “You’re cold.”

“Last thing I’m worried about.” Kanda nipped at his chin again, gently, before shuffling down his body again. “You…always say you’re going to warm me _up_ right? You did it…yesterday.”

Lavi blinked and stared at Kanda for a moment. Yesterday—right. A few nights ago. Their date. Near the end of the surprisingly successful four hours they’d been walking home when Kanda had started shivering. Lavi had, unthinkingly, slipped off his scarf and wrapped it around Kanda’s neck. It was a gesture that, normally, would have been shoved off, but that night? It hadn’t. Lavi hadn’t understood why, but considered it small graces and they’d continued to walk, slower, to Kanda’s apartment.

They’d talked most of the night too, which was strange but not unwelcome. Lavi—Lavi had _wanted_ to talk.

“Is that…” He trailed off, a slow smile spreading across his lips, “Is that why…?” He motioned to the lack of space between them, and Kanda’s very much still nakedness. Kanda’s face burned red again, but he managed to give a short, barely there nod. Lavi chuckled, “Mm then…I guess we should have more dates like that, then.”

Kanda was silent for a moment, almost contemplative, before giving another, firmer nod. “I liked…” He hesitated for a moment before pushing through, “I liked learning about you.”

_That_ hadn’t been what Lavi expected him to say, but at the same time Kanda was always more intuitive than most people gave him credit for. “Really?” Another nod. “I’m glad.” And not the fake kind of glad that he could plaster on easily. It was the kind of glad that he—that _all_ of him, not just the bits and pieces he’d shoved and welded together to make ‘LAVI’—could settle on. Be confident of. Not _worry_ about. Lavi opened his mouth again, to say _something_ , he wasn’t sure what. But the look on Kanda’s face stalled him. He looked like he was thinking again, seriously, and it didn’t really _matter_ that he was currently sitting very, very naked in his lap.

At least he was getting used to it? Or maybe it was just too important to _not_ say? “You don’t…need to hide that.”

The words felt like another punch to the gut. “Wha…?”

“The other part of you, I mean.” Kanda heaved out a sigh. “I like –all of you, not just…” He pressed both hands to Lavi’s cheeks—not hard, but enough for Lavi to feel it. “Not just this part. Okay? I want to…get to learn that part too.” Lavi’s heart tightened in his chest and he smiled softly.

“Are you sure?”

Because that side of him wasn’t exactly nice. That side of him wasn’t exactly what he’d _show off_ , and yet that side somehow _still_ became interested in Kanda.

“Yes.” The conviction in Kanda’s voice was enough to leave Lavi breathless.

“O-Okay.”

But was it really? Lavi squeezed his eyes shut again only to feel a gentle press of lips on his forehead, then his eye patch, then his uncovered eye.

“Is it okay?” Somehow the question had more weight this time, because now Lavi wasn’t just doing it for Lavi’s sake. He was doing it for _his_ too. And that? Was scary.

He nodded his head anyway.

After all, he’d experienced far scarier things than falling into bed with someone—even if this someone meant so, so much more than anyone else before him. Lavi forced a weak smile on his face. “Y-Yeah. I’m sure.”

Kanda didn’t move. For a second Lavi thought he might need more of a confirmation, more of a – _something_ , but then he started moving back a little, hands grabbing at his boxers before slowly beginning to work them down. Lavi bit back a groan when the tight fabric caught for a few seconds (wow, he hadn’t gone down _even_ during all of that? Fuck, he’d been waiting too long for this) before relaxing fully against the bed.

Kanda most definitely _was_ looking.

Lavi tried hard not to preen.

(He failed.)

“Like what you see?”

Kanda jerked his eyes back up to meet his before nodding his head jerkily. “It’s…Yes.” He didn’t technically need to respond verbally, but it was the easiest way to see he was still _here_ with him, so Lavi was silently grateful for that. “You also…” He trailed off again, and Lavi laughed.

“Well! Like I said. I don’t like _hair_ so much so…” He shrugged one shoulder.

“I meant the scar.” Kanda’s voice was flat, showing no emotion whatsoever.

Lavi blinked.

Glanced down.

And– _oh_. Right. The bullet scar on his right hip, usually hidden just below his pant-line. No one ever really would _see_ it unless he was in bed with them, and even then most never paid attention to it. But Kanda _had_ seen him naked once or twice before, right?

“I didn’t know it went…all the way through.” _Ah_ so he’d seen it from the back…?

Lavi hummed thoughtfully. “S’not really much of a story. Err I mean—not for bed.” Lavi quickly back tracked when Kanda leveled him with a glare. “Maybe later? We’ve _got_ plenty of time.”

_I hope_ .

But he squashed that little thought too.

Kanda stared at him for a moment longer, making Lavi squirm a little, before finally reaching out and—Lavi sucked in a breath sharply. Kanda was tracing the scar now, expression passive but, at the same time, annoyed. Was he ever _not_ annoyed? “I don’t believe that, but, okay.”

_Ah_ .

Lavi grinned. “Does this mean–?”

Kanda reached over to where he set the lube.

Lavi’s grin widened as Kanda handed him the bottle. “So we _can_ start.”

Kanda tilted his head ever so slightly to the side. “You said you’d show me?” Somehow the words were both teasing _and_ serious.

“Then ya gotta get off my lap. I might be flexible, but not _that_ flexible!”

Kanda made a face but fully slid off his lap. With his gaze still focused on him entirely, Lavi opened the cap and started spreading some of the lube on his fingers. “Have you, uh, ever–?” Kanda shook his head hurriedly, and it seemed like for a moment he didn’t know where to look—and it _definitely_ wasn’t at the hand that was currently traveling down, down, down –“Well you’re gonna have ta learn. I wanna feel your fingers in me.” Kanda made some sort of choking sound and Lavi laughed. “Sorry, sorry, was that too forward?” Kanda nodded his head, only to shake it in the next second, grabbing the lube from Lavi’s hand and—squirting way too much on his hand. “Not that much—I’m _used_ to this, so it’s uh…” Lavi stalled for a moment, wait—that probably wasn’t going to help matters much. Not now. “Uh. I mean. I dun think it’ll hurt _that_ much?”

“I don’t want it to hurt at all.”

Lavi glanced purposefully down at Kanda, then back up. “I dun think that’s possible. I mean it’ll _stop_ hurtin’, y’know?”

No. No. Kanda _didn’t_ know.

He looked vaguely uncomfortable and Lavi felt uncomfortably ill. _Right_ –“It’s not _supposed to_ hurt, you’re right. If it still hurts I’ll let you know, okay?” He stopped pressing in for a moment and tugged on Kanda’s nearest (not lube covered) hand. “Hey, hey Yuu? You still with me? Sorry I shouldn’t have—”

Kanda shook his head. “It’s fine.” He took a deep breath before squeezing Lavi’s hand back. “I can’t keep…doing that. Shutting…shutting down over—just…mentioning it…hurting.”

“But it’s –”

“Not normal.” Kanda sighed loudly. “I want to do this. I _am_ going to do this. I _don’t_ want to hurt you, but I…” He trailed off, frowning as if he just realized—“You stopped.”

“W-Well, yeah.” Lavi shifted again, awkwardly. “M’not gonna—keep going, especially if…” _During that kind of conversation._

“—We’re done talking, right?”

Lavi frowned. “I dunno. I mean that’s—up to you.”

“Then we are.” Kanda glanced down at his hand, then back at Lavi, only for his eyes to drift – _down_. “Do you need help –err. Again.” He dropped his lube covered hand to Lavi’s crotch and Lavi sucked in a sharp breath. He’d gone half-mast over the course of that conversation, but he knew it wouldn’t take _too_ much to get him going again.

“…Uhhhh…”

Kanda smirked a little, but even that seemed hesitant? Or maybe Lavi was seeing things. Probably. Right. “Well?”

Lavi snorted and shifted, “You said you wanted to, um, help. I wouldn’t worry about _that_ , he waved his hand dismissively. “That’ll uh—just trust me. It won’t take much. But if you _wanted_ to…” e HhHHH He spread his legs a little wider and grabbed Kanda’s wrist gently, moving it lower until he had a lube covered finger at his entrance. “We can get back to the…main event, yeah? I think you do better with _hands on_ experience anyway.” He grinned here a little sheepishly. “Just one finger at a time.”

Kanda hesitated again, then slowly rubbed the lube against his fingers and pressed one against the tight ring of muscle there. Lavi let out a tiny gasp at that, but tightened his grip on Kanda’s wrist before he could pull away. “Don’t worry. It doesn’t hurt.”

Kanda stared at him for a moment. “Are you lying?”

Lavi’s smile softened. “M’not. Got no reason to.” He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Kanda’s forehead. “Cuz I know you’ll stop, yeah? If I ask?”

“Of course.”

Lavi hummed. “Then see? No problem.” He reached out and touched Kanda’s face lightly. To his (not so much) surprise, Kanda turned into it and –

Lavi felt a blush spread along his face and down his neck. _Really_? Kanda froze for a second before jerking his face away. But _oh_ Lavi could see—his face was just as red as his. “S’okay, Yuu.” Kanda tensed. “I dun mind. It’s –you. Remember? It’s—us. That’s okay.”

_It’s all okay. You can do whatever you want_ . Even if it happened to be sappy hand kisses.

Kanda didn’t respond though, he still kept his face away. But this was a waiting game Lavi knew how to play. Kanda gave out touches and affection like they were prized possessions.

Which he didn’t have many _of_.

Lavi could still remember when Kanda let him borrow his sweater. Lavi still had it, lovingly tossed into a pile of his own things in his clothes-basket to be washed with his detergent. Maybe he’d give it back to Kanda once he ran a load so that it would smell like him? That was _allowed_ –both sides of him liked the idea and wasn’t _that_ a weird feeling?

Slowly, but surely, Kanda’s shoulders began to relax and that stiff posture he’d adopted so many times for the tiniest things melted away.

That one finger began to press again.

Lavi let out a laugh. “Oh?” _Not asking are we_? Not that he cared. He’d never care. “Yeah—just like that. A lil’ at a time. S’good that way.” For them. Right now. For a _first time_. He shoved away any thought about _why_ it had to be this slow, instead of a casual mess of limbs against the sheets, thinking of that? Now? Wouldn’t do anyone any good.

Kanda slid his finger in a bit deeper. “Neh, Yuu?” Kanda snapped his eyes up to him and Lavi grinned wickedly. “Kiss me?” Kanda’s eyes widened a bit in surprise, and he awkwardly leaned forward to close the distance between them. He hesitated only briefly before their lips connected in a gentle kiss that quickly turned—

So.

So.

Dirty.

Compared, relatively, to the slow pace down below. Then Kanda’s free hand, which had been helping to prop him up, raised up to cup his cheek. “Mmn…?” Lavi cracked his eyes open and tensed when Kanda fiddled with the band of his—eyepatch. _Oh_. Lavi shifted his hand over Kanda’s own and nipped his bottom lip, pressing Kanda’s hand there, but not allowing it to move.

_Not yet_ .

He didn’t want to explain that just yet. If he’d even be allowed to. If he _could_. It made his stomach twist and for a second he was afraid he’d messed up, somehow. By keeping this one secret.

But Kanda just watched him, with clear eyes, his hand tensing only briefly under his own, before pressing a little more firmly against the eyepatch. “…This doesn’t hurt, does it?”

Lavi shook his head. “N-No.” Why was his voice shaky? Kanda’s frown told him that he was wondering the same thing. “It’s…fine. Just uh. Just don’t.” _Please_?

Kanda nodded his head and Lavi slowly released Kanda’s hand. For a split second Kanda’s fingers ran over the band again, before –

Lavi gasped when a second finger joined the first. _Oh fuck_. “Y-Yuu.” Now his voice was shaking for a completely _different_ reason.

“…Still okay?” Lavi nodded his head hurriedly. The last thing he wanted was for Kanda to stop. Not when it was just starting to feel the right side of fullness. The kind he wanted—because sex, to be completely honest, was more often than not a selfish-self-pleasing act. One he didn’t need, even regardless of that. But wanted, yes.

Wanted now. With Kanda staring down at him, their faces still close from the kiss.

Lavi _really_ wanted another kiss too, come to think of it. So he leaned in and—pressed a kiss to Kanda’s nose. Then smiled when Kanda tilted his head and lined their mouths up. Again it was slow, steady, methodical almost. Lavi could tell he was concentrating more on keeping his hand steady and _not hurting_ him (Lavi could withstand a lot of that too, but again—now wasn’t the time to reveal _that_ little factoid) than on the actual kiss, especially when it turned sloppy, tongues slowly twisting together and—

Lavi broke the kiss to gasp when Kanda pressed in even further with those two fingers. “H-Heh, I knew your fingers would feel good.” He shivered when Kanda twisted them then—“Try movin’ em apart, y’know—”

“I know.” Kanda cut him off, but he listened, moving his fingers in a scissoring motion that had Lavi squirming in place. “When do I…?” Kanda started after a few seconds of this ( _Damn_ could those fingers reach far. Farther than Lavi’s could even with the angle), awkwardly slowing his fingers in a way that had Lavi cursing the loss.

“ _Now_. You can do it now.”

Kanda’s hand completely stilled. “But I just–?”

Lavi grabbed the bottle of lube and shivered as he added some to his own fingers before dropping his hand down to join Kanda’s. He wasn’t stupid, he’d only add one and –hell yeah it was awkward but. “W-Wasn’t lyin’.” He mumbled as it slipped in between Kanda’s own. “I kinda really want you.” He wasn’t quite sure when that small flame had sparked into something bigger, something more impatient, maybe it was the way Kanda’s eyes widened and his jaw slackened that did it. Or maybe it was the way his hair fell over his shoulders to tickle at his skin that made it all _sorts_ of perfect—

Or maybe it was just the way he accepted it, and started to move his fingers again like it was okay. Like he was _agreeing_. Like he _understood_. And then he was biting at his shoulder and his ear, like he had earlier. Lavi gasped even louder and shoved his finger in a little deeper. Would three fingers be enough? _Probably_. His fingers were thicker than Kanda’s so maybe—maybe—

“Nngh.” Kanda’s fingers were moving faster now, anyway. Soon enough Lavi was certain he would barely feel a _sting_. “Neh, Yuu?” Those two words were almost too hard to get out with all the _distractions_. “I-I think I’m—I’m gonna be _good_ soon. Like really good. Mega good. S-So good that—” He let out a yelp when Kanda bit down _hard_ on the side of his neck, then sucked and—oh that’d leave a bruise. A nice hicky he could show off in the morning. And _oh_ he would. He totally would. Like an extra badge because of course soreness would be too obvious of a tip off—

( _And your information sources very rarely leave bruises you willingly leave uncovered._ Lavi frowned at that thought and shoved it away).

“Do we need…?” Kanda asked, and _God_ just his _voice_ was doing things o him right now—deep and slightly scratchy, like it was hard to make his vocal chords work. Like he was almost too far gone for _that_.

Lavi kind of felt like ice water and been splashed over his head. “Need what?”

“A _condom_. “ Kanda rolled his eyes and sat back a little, to look around. “Same with the lube?”

Lavi nodded his head dumbly. “I mean if you—I’m clean.” He hesitated, “Uh, I mean…” _If you want to use one_. Because the next thought was one he didn’t even want to think on—if Kanda wasn’t _clean_. Because of what happened—

Nope, no. _Not going to think on that_.

“I’m…too.” Kanda muttered softly, and just like that Lavi felt his shoulders relax. Kanda dropped his free hand onto the bed and grabbed the bed sheets like it was some sort of –support? Maybe. It made sense anyway. “I just…isn’t it—messy?”

Lavi let out a choked laugh. “I think I can handle cleanin’ out cum from my ass. Trust me.”

“But—”

“I swear, Yuu. It’s _you_. I –want it.” There. He’d said it. Kind of easily too for that matter. Maybe it _should_ have embarrassed him, but it didn’t? Yeah. Yeah. He was sure it didn’t. “Kinda lookin’ forward to it actually. Assumin’ all your blood hasn’t just rushed to your head. You okay?”

Kanda was just staring at him, wide eyed and red faced and Lavi honestly wanted to laugh but now _really_ wasn’t the time for that. “Again if you don’t wanna—”

Kanda shook his head only to stop and open his mouth because—right. Words were a thing that definitely needed to be used _now_. At least that lesson as one that stuck. “I just….they—always say…”

Lavi waved a hand and laughed. “Modern medicine really does help cut back on any catchable…thing…an’ ‘sides.” He paused again and ducked his head. “S’Yuu, so.” Then louder, firmer. “I want it. Do I gotta say please?”

“No.” Kanda sighed then shifted a little, before glancing down at where their hands still were inside—him. Oh right. “Are you–?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be, yeah!” Lavi tried hard not to sound too eager. Probably failed, by a large margin, but the way it made Kanda’s shoulders relax even more it was well worth it. He worked his own finger out first, before gently tugging at Kanda’s so that those lovely fingers slid out and—“Hurry?” Lavi squirmed a little at the feeling of loss. Somehow it was _worse_ because it was—Kanda. But then, didn’t that make sense? “I want you –”

“I know.” Kanda murmured, staring at Lavi for a bit longer, and then at his fingers like he couldn’t believe what he’d just done. Then he took a deep breath and—“Slow, right?”

Lavi opened his mouth to say _You don’t have to_ but then—this wasn’t about him, was it? “Y-Yeah. It can be kinda…overwhelmin’.” Maybe. Depending on who it was. “So just—take your time.” _You’re gonna drive me nuts._ But then again—wasn’t he already? He spread his legs a little wider, as if to tell Kanda he could—go. Whenever. He wanted.

And then he waited. Waited as Kanda stared at him for a second longer before shuffling closer. For a second Lavi thought he’d have to instruct _this_ part too, but thankfully Kanda at least knew ( _remembered_? ) that much. Lavi gasped loudly when the head pressed against his entrance and slowly, slowly, Kanda started pressing _in_.

It felt like stars burst behind his eyelids. It felt like electricity running over his veins. He could feel the innocence humming under his skin, louder, then calmer, then a mix between the two like a steady heartbeat that mingled with his own. It was strange—but not altogether unwelcome. He’d never felt it before, sure, but new things were _exciting_ right? “Y-Yuu…” He gripped Kanda’s forearm to stead himself as he started to lower himself onto the bed until he was lying flat on his back. “This way’s easier.” He mumbled, grinning at Kanda’s slightly alarmed look—like he hadn’t wanted him to move.

Well maybe, just maybe, once he’s—in. Maybe then Lavi could move again. _Maybe_.

Lavi hissed again when Kanda continued his very, very slow pace, and –seriously? _Seriously_? He wasn’t breakable, dammit! But the look on Kanda’s face (concentration mixed with absolute _awe_ like he—Oh yeah. He’d never _felt_ this before. Right) was enough to keep his mouth shut. This was about him too, more than it was ever gonna be about Lavi. He knew this—they both knew this, maybe. It was debatable. With stars and explosions every time Lavi blinked, he was kind of surprised coherent thought was happening at all.

Finally, after an eternity of waiting, Kanda bottomed out.

But didn’t move.

_Well then_ .

e’

“I appreciate that you’re havin’ a moment now, Yuu, but I kinda have _needs_. ”Kanda looked a little surprised, a little like he’d just been snapped out of some kind of trance, and for a second Lavi wondered if he’d been too rude.

Then again it wasn’t as if he had to always keep his mouth shut, right? If Kanda found out later that he was doing something he didn’t _want_ or –

Lavi didn’t even bother finishing that thought. Instead he rolled his eyes when Kanda still didn’t move, and began moving _himself_. It was awkward, really, and maybe he really should’ve stayed sitting up, not that it mattered now. He was done being passive. Done waiting for what he wanted.

And wouldn’t it be a happy bonus if Kanda liked it too?

Lavi pressed his hands against Kanda’s shoulders for leverage and he almost _laughed_ when Kanda stared at him—“Y’know. I changed my mind. I know a better way.” _For us_. For this. For the fact that –did Kanda really know what to do after this? “T’help.” He half-slurred when he began pushing up a little bit, jostling Kanda inside him and making them both groan. Finally after a few more awkward movements he was sitting in Kanda’s lap, with his legs on either side and –Kanda was gawking at him, again. “See?” Lavi chuckled, shifting a little because Kanda was now deeper in him than he was before and didn’t _that_ feel amazing? But he still had to think. Still had to be coherent enough for words. “This way I can—” To demonstrate, he showed Kanda how easy it was for him to lift himself, just a little, only to drop back down.

Kanda hissed and lifted his hands, but left them hovering slightly in the air like he didn’t know where to… _put_ them.

_That_ was at least an easy enough problem to fix. “Here.” Lavi grabbed both of his hands and placed them against his hips. “You can help move me.”

“…Move?” Kanda grunted, squeezing one eye shut because—well this obviously felt good for him too.

“Yeah. Set the…” Lavi lifted up, then dropped back down again and _groaned_ “pace. Slow me down, speed me up; can’t be doin’ all the work myself, Yuu.”

“And you—” Kanda shuddered when Lavi repeated the motion, and for a second Lavi thought he just wasn’t going to finish that thought, but then the words came tumbling out anyway. “you’ll trust me with that?”

That question made Lavi’s heart break just as much as it made it soar. “ _Yeah_. O’course I would. You’re the one I _would_ trust.”

Kanda squeezed his hips tighter. “…You can’t just say things like that.” Lavi blinked in surprise. “I…you…you say you trust me with this but then why—” He bit back the rest of the sentence and instead pressed his forehead against Lavi’s shoulder in what would have been an affectionate gesture if he hadn’t been so _tense_.

“Y-Yuu…?” Kanda didn’t move. “Yuu…what…?” He ran a hand through Kanda’s hair. “Hey—please, talk to me? If you don’t then I’m not …then we can’t… _do this_ , okay?” _Remember we promised each other that much?_

Kanda let out an aggravated sigh. “You’ve…done this before.” The words were terse, “You trust…me to do this with, but what about…them? You can’t just…say that you—” He fell abruptly silent again.

Not that it mattered, because Lavi knew what he was trying to say. _Ah_. Lavi smiled a little, sadly. “Because it’s different, Yuu.” He tugged on his hair a little and this time it seemed to do the intended—or at least Kanda backed away enough to look him in the eye. “I can’t tell you why an’ now’s not the time for that kinda conversation anyway.” What was _with_ them having these kinds of conversations he really didn’t know but twice in the span of a few minutes seemed a little much. “Did you wanna stop?” Maybe that question was a bit disjointed but the way Kanda’s hands squeezed even tighter told him clear enough—

“No.” Words. Right. Words were nice too.

“Neh, Yuu? I’m gonna take that as a _no_. Is that what you want?”

Kanda nodded his head then slowly, hesitantly, jerked his hips up. _Oh_? “I don’t…I said before…I can’t just…keep…” He trailed off here, squeezing his eyes shut. “I won’t get better if I don’t…”

“Yuu.” Lavi cupped his face and sat more firmly on his lap, to try and stop the movement (though he was pretty sure if Kanda really wanted to dislodge him, he _could_ ). “Gettin’ better is a relative term, y’know that right? You’re always gonna get there, d-don’t force yourself.” He shivered when Kanda turned his face and kissed the palm of his hand. “D-Don’t for my sake. L-Like I said…like, um, you keep askin’…there are some…things, I mean, I c-can’t say them yet…” Why was he taking his finger into his mouth? Why was that so _distracting_? “Uh…”

“You always talk with your hands.” Kanda muttered after releasing his finger from his mouth with a loud pop. “It’s…distracting.”

“W-Wha…?” Well that wasn’t the kind of response he was thinking of.

“Your voice is distracting too.” Kanda was staring right at him now, leaning in impossibly closer until their lips were just barely brushing. “I don’t want to stop.” Then he pressed their lips together and Lavi?

Lavi whined, just a little, looping his other arm around Kanda’s neck to squeeze even closer. _Okay_. Okay. He could totally work with that. Kanda’s hips stuttered up again and this time Lavi met it with a downward thrust. “Nnnn…” For a few awkward seconds the movement was stilted as they learned, in the natural way that it happened sometimes, how they moved. Together. It was kind of how they did everything else so far—

With a matching pace, but one starting fast and slowing down (Kanda), and the other starting slow, but moving fast.

And it was all very thorough. Lavi liked being thorough. He deepened the kiss as they began to catch up in pace, gasping a little when Kanda’s grip tightened. He could tell that Kanda _probably_ wasn’t going to last very long. Not that he could blame him—not necessarily. First times did that to people even if—

_Even if this wasn’t his first time_ .

Which meant he could probably last a—

Long time.

Even if he never actually—

Lavi squeezed his eyes shut and moved his hips slightly faster. It wouldn’t do him any good to think about _that_ especially not _now_. “Lavi…” Kanda grunted out and let go of his hips for a few seconds to grab at his arms, squeezing them for a second. “…Are you okay?” He was breathing hard, and it kind of looked like it hurt him to slow down but– _he was slowing down_.

“H-Huh?” Lavi blinked and frowned when he noticed—his eye was—blurry? Blurry and—

“You’re crying.” Kanda all but stopped now, coaxing Lavi back a little so he could look at him fully and –

_Shit_ . Lavi quickly rubbed at his eye. “M’fine.” Except his heart really hurt because _dammit_ if it wasn’t Kanda thinking the sad things then it was _him_ and hadn’t he been over that? Hadn’t Kanda been over that with him? Did it really still bother him that much?

_It didn’t even happen to me_ .

“Sorry.” He mumbled again. “Sorry. M’really sorry. I—”

Then, suddenly, Kanda _smiled_. It wasn’t big or anything, but then again Kanda’s smiles (the real ones) never were. And actually this smile looked kind of—exasperated, but fond. “Stop…apologizing. And stop thinking about _that_.” Lavi gawked at Kanda for a moment—was it really that obvious? “Yes it’s that obvious.”

Lavi’s mouth opened a little. “…Stop readin’ my mind, Yuu. That’s creepy—ah!” He yelped when Kanda thrust his hips up unexpectedly. “M-mean…”

“Will that help get your mind off it?” Another thrust. Another whimper.

Lavi nodded his head. “Y-Yes.”

“Good.” Thrust. “Because.” Another one. “I’m.” Lavi whined a little. “ _Fine_. So stop thinking.”

Not ‘stop worrying’, because Lavi had the bad habit of doing that regardless of what anyone _actually_ wanted (including himself) –but thinking? Yeah sometimes he could do with a good ol’ switching off of the brain. So really, Lavi was all too happy to just let himself go, to cling and let Kanda take charge –in whatever capacity that he wanted. This really _was_ for Kanda, after all. And apparently Kanda wanted all focus on _him_ , so easy enough.

“I-I…” Lavi bit back the rest of the sentence as Kanda _finally_ picked up the pace. He didn’t really trust his mouth now anyway, mostly because it had the odd ability of _ruining_ the moment. Again. And this was kind of important over-all. So he bit his lip and buried his head against Kanda’s shoulder, kissing the skin there to distract himself before biting down gently. If Kanda could leave a mark then Lavi could too, right? Or—“S’this okay?” Because he _knew_ Kanda was …reserved…when it came to public displays of affection, and markin was very, _very_ public, even if it was made in the privacy of a bedroom.

That and he’d have to put up with Daisya’s teasing. And Alma’s, and, well, pretty much anyone else’s (except _maybe_ Lenalee?) plus the _questions_ , even the well meaning ones from Krory because he worked—

“It’s fine.” Kanda grunted, tilting his head ever so slightly to the side to give Lavi more room. “If I…need to…I can wear…a t-turtle neck or—s-something.” He shivered and slowed his pace slightly. “But… _fuck_ stop goddammit _thinking_! You think enough for six p-people.”

Lavi barked out a laugh. “Sorry, sorry.” He kissed Kanda’s neck again. “Like I _said_ s’kinda hard t’turn off. T-trust me you’re doin’ a great j-job though. I really can’t—” He whined loudly when almost abruptly Kanda jerked up and—He was seeing stars. Literally. Stars. Everywhere. It was—

It was really, really warm. And kind of pleasant and his vision was getting kind of blurry again, but for a different reason entirely. Maybe it should’ve unnerved him again but then Kanda was talking, murmuring something in his ear and –

“W-Wha…?”

“A great job,” Another hard thrust that had Lavi whimpering into his shoulder, “would mean you wouldn’t be talking _at all_. So I’m not…” Another thrust. “There yet.”

_Well you’re getting close_ . Lavi wasn’t even going to bother making that thought into a sentence. Instead he lifted his head to look at Kanda’s face. His expression was a mix between soft and firm with concentration—probably on making sure he didn’t screw up—but _oh_ he was definitely screwing. Lavi whined a little louder—after all, maybe he just needed more encouragement? Kanda was a perfectionist that way. And Lavi was on the receiving end of it.

“Y-Yuu…” He breathed and moaned even louder, but somehow hiding his face again wasn’t an option. He wanted to _watch_ this—this person, who was making stars happen behind his eyelids and –

His heart was racing.

Lavi dropped one hand to cover the tattoo that covered Kanda’s heart. If he closed his eyes (and because of the already close distance) he could hear Kanda’s heart clearly, thumping away. It made him grin to think that it was beating as fast as his. That his heart was beating at _all_. Lavi bit his lip again and this time trailed his hand up to Kanda’s neck, then cheek.

Finally Kanda looked at him. Lavi repeated his name, softly, before leaning in and sealing it with a kiss. There was something oddly perfect about the way they kissed. The way their mouths fit. He knew, somewhere in the logical part of his brain that kissing was really not all that different across the board. Some people had more sensitive lips, some liked long kisses, others liked short, and even then some didn’t like being kissed at all. Yuu seemed to be the soft light kisses kind of person, quick and fleeting, but right now? When it was only them, he seemed to let that slide a little, letting the kisses get longer, deeper, both directing and relenting against Lavi.

It was _perfect_.

(Lavi preferred the longer kisses. The ones that left him panting for breath and actually _feeling_ something. Casual, light kisses always seemed more like a hello-goodbye. A greeting, a start, or a passin of what _could_ _have_ been.)

When they finally broke for air Lavi inhaled deeply and _laughed_ , “Hey, Y-Yuu?”

“ _What_? ” A testimate to how far gone Kanda was, he didn’t even sound the slightest bit annoyed by using his name in replace of a standard ‘you’. Lavi laughed louder.

“J-Jus’ thinkin’ I’m—” Another sharp thrust had Lavi’s mind stuttering to a halt, and for a second all he could do was hold on as Kanda repeated that same motion over—and over—and—over—

Well _that_ definitely answered if Kanda was doing a good job or not. Lavi couldn’t even _speak_. And when he somehow managed to crack his eye open to look at Kanda’s face—

He was _smirking_ and that? That was all _sorts_ of hot. Then again sex as a whole was generally hot, and sweaty and—

A few more powerful thrusts and all Lavi could do was cling as Kanda’s hips stuttered to a stop. Well _that_ definitely answered his unasked question—Kanda was close, if not fini—

Oh yes. Definitely finished if the sudden rush of warmth inside him was any indication. It was that alone (or rather, the fact that _Kanda_ was the one who did _that_ to him—who enjoyed it _that_ much) that had Lavi tumbling over the edge with a half-whine-half-laugh until he was sagging against Kanda’s chest and—

“S-Sorry for the mess.” It didn’t seem like Kanda was paying attention. “Yuu?” Lavi blinked dazedly for a second before his vision focused on Kanda’s face. He looked thoroughly blissed out. _I did that_. Lavi couldn’t help but feel a little smug. “Enjoy yourself?” Kanda finally looked at him a few seconds later, seeming to have come back from wherever his mind drifted off to long enough to huff and smile that same tiny smile from earlier. “Well?”

“ _Yes_. I did.” His voice was pleasantly hoarse (kind of like Lavi’s), and that smile didn’t leave. “Are you–?”

“Definitely satisified. A+, 120%, would definitely do again.” Lavi grinned widely and shifted a little, moving to raise himself, only for Kanda’s hands to grip at his hips and—“Uh…Yuu. S’probably gonna hurt a bit if I don’t move—” Kanda’s face burned bright red, and he looked away. Lavi frowned. “…Yuu?” He settled again, trying his best not to put his full weight on Kanda’s lap because he _knew_ he’d probably start feeling it soon. Well. _Sooner_. “You okay?”

“I just…” Kanda stalled. “…Didn’t…” then he took a deep breath and—“Will it hurt if you stay?”

Lavi stared at Kanda for a second. “Stay…with you in me, or stay like—metaphorically? This is my apartment, I’m not goin’ to—”

“I didn’t mean that!” Kanda snapped, before blushing even harder. “The…I meant the first…one.”

Lavi stared at Kanda for a good few seconds and then. “You…want me to?” Kanda looked constipated. Well and _truly_ constipated. Lavi would’ve laughed if he didn’t know Kanda was being serious. “Well s’kinda good to clean out everything before, uh, sleepin’. Assumin’ you even _want_ to sleep.” Did he? Lavi kind of assumed Kanda was staying the night, but maybe–?

“I do. I just.” Kanda shut his eyes for a moment and then—“Feels nice.”

Lavi shifted a little on his lap. “Y’might not say that in a few minutes when all o’this,” he waved to their bodies—the sweat and other bodily fluids that currently were splattered across them, “dries. But I guess I can stay like this for a few minutes. I mean.” Another shuffle, another hiss from Kanda, “if you want me to.”

Kanda didn’t respond, but then again he didn’t really need to. The look on his face was enough and really? Wasn’t it okay to do this? Kanda wasn’t business, was in _no way_ just a casual fuck that he wanted to walk away from afterward. Sure he’d never…really…done _this_ before, but –well. It wasn’t like it was _bad_? Lavi settled a little more firmly on Kanda’s lap and then leaned forward to kiss him gently. _It’s okay_. He mentally blasted at Kanda. _It’s alright to want something_. There was a tiny little apology thrown in there, for the nervousness and awkwardness asking had caused Kanda, but at the same time _that_ didn’t necessarily need to be voiced. Or at least not in so many words. After a few more seconds of solid kissing Kanda finally pulled away to breathe.

A few seconds after that Lavi—

Well. _Well_.

“…Yuu, I’m leaking.” That was kind of embarrassing. But _damn_ if the look on Kanda’s face wasn’t just—amazing. “I think we should, uh, move now. Did you wanna take shower now or–?” He watched Kanda for any signs of distress when he finally managed to unseat himself. Just like he thought– _yup_ leaking. _Messy, messy_. Lavi grabbed a nearby tissue and reached down and—

Kanda made some sort of strangling noise. “Uh. W-Want me to do this in the bathroom?” Kanda just kept staring though. “I did, um, say that I’d rather clean it out early before it …dries.” Kanda cringed and Lavi cringed too. _That_ …Kanda probably knew all about –

_No. Shut up_ . Lavi dropped the tissue he’d grabbed and used his other hand to cup Kanda’s face. It could happen so quickly, so very quickly—Kanda could fade and drop back to whatever awful memories decided to resurface and Lavi _desperately_ didn’t want that. Especially not _now_. He watched Kanda for a moment until Kanda successfully (and slowly) nodded his head. At what, Lavi wasn’t sure, but he was thankful for the physical cue nonetheless. “If it’s…easier.” Kanda finally struggled to say, eyes still not quite looking anywhere in Lavi’s direction. “No shower.” A pause. Then—“We can…tomorrow.”

And really, wasn’t that saying a lot that Kanda was putting off getting _clean_?

“Kay.” Lavi nodded his head before slowly starting to move to the edge of the bed. The entire time he kept his eyes glued to Kanda as he lay down on the bed. “I’ll grab a washcloth too.” Just in _case_. Because again dried cum? Not pleasant at all to sleep with. Kanda would be _pissed_ in the morning, and Lavi…actually wouldn’t be much of a happy camper either, because right now he was still high off adrenaline. He knew he’d face a crash the minute his head hit the pillow, and in the morning the last thing he’d want to do was deal with an angry Kanda.

(An angry, _sore_ Kanda, especially since this would likely hurt for him too)

“I’ll be right back.” Lavi wasn’t necessarily sure Kanda heard him, but he still made quick work of cleaning himself out (as best he could without water) and getting the wet washcloth he promised. When he waddled (yes, waddled) back into the main room, Kanda was thankfully still awake. Lavi did most of the cleaning himself, though, running the washcloth over Kanda’s chest and stomach (and _lower_ even though Kanda cringed a little at the sudden coldness). He made even quicker work of his own chest and stomach before draping the washcloth over the side of the waste basket. He’d deal with it in the morning.

_The morning_ because it definitely didn’t look like Kanda was going anywhere. _Good_.

Lavi smiled to himself and slowly sank onto the bed next to Kanda, working the covers up over them equally as slowly, before resting his head against Kanda’s shoulder. “Neh, Yuu?” Kanda’s answering grunt sounded tired, yes, but the content kind that loosened something in Lavi’s chest. _He’s okay_. He reminded himself for the umpteenth time. _He wanted this_. And above all else _he liked it_. Lavi couldn’t keep the grin off his face if he tried. Instead he leaned up and kissed Kanda’s chin. “ ** _Sweet dreams, I’ll see you in the morning_**.” He murmured, tongue heavy and teeth clacking awkwardly over the words –no. Not _words_ –the language he barely used anymore, but could still remember like a second skin.

Kanda looked at him quizzically for a moment, but Lavi could tell he was far too tired to actually ask.

Maybe in the morning he’d tell him everything. Or maybe not. But for now? They really needed some sleep.


End file.
